Dear Me: On the First Day of Fall

I’m not writing this post for anyone but myself. I do my best to not share the not-so-good in my life online for all the internets to see, but I think this is a cathartic and important aspect of myself to be real about. Not everyone is perfect, we all have feelings and valid emotions, and that’s ok. I hear often these days, “it’s okay, not to be okay”. I decided when I feel a way, I’m going to let it out into the ether of the universe and let it do it’s thang. I wanted to start this little series to remind myself that things will be okay and to keep things in perspective for myself. I decided to call it “Dear Me” since it’s really me talking and writing to myself or rather reflecting. If you’ve been blog/online friends with me for some time or even back in the Xanga days, you know that I’m no stranger to sharing my personal feelings about stuff that’s going on in my life. As I’ve gotten older I’ve become a lot more private (as private as anyone on the internet is these days), but I think it’s important to be honest with myself and my feelings and if it helps me feel better to share it, then so be it. You don’t have to read this, but if you do, I’m not going to stop you from leaving encouraging words and a little love in the comments section. 😛 So… here we go.

Fall Bouqet

Dear me,

Fall is always a little bitter sweet. You love fall and it’s your second most favorite season after summer. You love summer the most so you’re always a little sad when the season changes. Everyone is always so excited for summer to end and for fall to begin, you can’t help but feel a little isolated in that sense. It takes you a little longer than everyone else to get into the season—and that’s okay. You painted your nails for the first time today in close to seven months. You went for a fall shade to help get into the mood—Essie Angora Cardi. It’s been so popular for years and you finally bought it specifically to wear for fall. You know that one of the main reasons why you dislike the change in the season from warm to cooler weather is because you never liked the cold. It takes a toll on your body and though you haven’t been diagnosed professionally with depression or seasonal depression, living in the Pacific Northwest for a giant chunk of your life, you can get pretty dreary along with the weather and rainy seasons. It does major damage on your mood and energy levels all throughout winter. Remember to take care of yourself. Remember to take time like you did today to do something nice and relaxing, like painting your nails, or painting, doodling, grab coffee. Even if it’s just by yourself. It’s been a long year and a half with lots of ups and it’s fair share of downs. Don’t be so hard on yourself—yes, it’s been a year since you moved, but adjustments can take a long time, you shouldn’t have expected to just instantly be settled in and “happy” with everything. You miss home, your friends back home, and your family back home. That’s okay—there’s no reason to feel like that’s a bad thing. Major life changes are never easy, that’s why you’re here and you’re going to keep moving forward.

It’s been an extremely lonely year but you’ve handled it as best as you could. Making new friends, in a new city, in a completely different state, where you don’t know a soul,  is not easy. Don’t expect to just be amazing at it and have a bajillion friends, you didn’t have that many back home, so it’s not going to change. Continue being your authentic self and you’ll meet people who are supposed to be part of your “tribe” or whatever the kids call it these days. You always forget that true friendship isn’t something that happens frequently. Don’t be so eager just to make more acquaintances who don’t stick around anyway—not to say that you shouldn’t try and still make friends, just don’t beat yourself up if they don’t attempt to hang out with you again or if you don’t hear back from them when you do that really difficult thing and make the first move and put in effort. That’s good, you did great! Taking the initiative is wonderful. Keep at it.

Work. Work is a funny thing—you’re so excited and happy to have a job and to be learning new skills and get better at them with each day. Again, you really need to stop beating yourself up. No one is expecting perfection or the moon and stars from you. Remember to breathe. It’s a sweet gig and you know it. Just hang in there, things will sort itself out and it won’t be a stress week constantly. Keep doing the de-stress activities you love so much on the weekends, don’t get lazy. Keep it up and you’ll get through the winter just fine. Enjoy and take time for yourself and in all the small and silly things you love like coffee, doodling (even if you don’t think it’s good enough), keep exploring all the new programs and skills you want to get better at. KEEP doodling, you know that it’s something you have to cultivate. It’s hard to stay inspired but it’s worth it in the end. You always feel a little better. Like you let go a little piece of negativity and replaced it with a cute or fun doodle.

Don’t forget that you have people who do care and who do love you and actively show you every day. Don’t forget that someone comes home to you every day, and you to them every day. Work life makes for long days and sometimes consumes you, remember to take time for you and for your relationship. Don’t stop communicating. Always talk about things that bother you, even if you think it’s stupid or “not a big deal” even if it isn’t, he still wants to hear what you’re feeling, what you’re thinking. It’s important to him, the things that are important to you. Remember to seek the love that is there every day, when you’re feeling blue or having a bad day.

Living situation sucks right now, but truthfully only a little bit. Don’t forget that though it is not convenient, considerate, or fair that you’re actively working on making things better for yourself. It’s not always going to be quiet, you’re not always going to have a nice neighbor and that’s fine. You always have options. You’ll find a new apartment in a nicer area soon! Don’t give up!

You’re becoming overwhelmed with personal tasks outside of work. Work is totally fine and flexible, but you keep forgetting that. If you need to take a day off to take care of various things like an apartment tour, an oil change, updating your license, do it. You have to take care of yourself, otherwise you’ll end up useless and unable to go to work anyway.

Take your vitamins. Keep eating well. Keep going to aerial yoga. Keep doodling. Keep getting “fancy coffee”, you deserve it. Drink more water, you idiot. Go to bed earlier. Wake up early and on time. Stop hitting the snooze button. Keep texting your friends back home or wherever they are, keep sending silly memes and funny pictures. Remember to stay focused. Keep laughing and smiling as much as possible. Most importantly, always make time for yourself so you can reset. You know that things get worse if you don’t keep yourself in check.

All my love,
-Me